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Inspirational Sayings
Posted:Oct 3, 2018 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2019 4:41 pm

One of my pet hates is inspirational sayings. One of my mind games is turning them around or altering them. I think they make just as much or even more sense after.

Poverty can't buy happiness either.

Women are OK but you can't beat the real thing.

From mighty oak trees little acorns grow.

The carrot is mightier than the stick.

The best way to get over one man is to get under another one.

The only thing better than an understanding woman is an underlying one.

He who is lost ….. hesitates.

A hard man is good to find.

If you think you are a wit - you are half right

I just hate intolerant people - they really piss me off.

Nostalgia is just not the same as it used to be.

Deny everything - it makes it easier to change your story if you need to.

I'm not a gynecologist but I don't mind taking a look.

The earth will inherit the meek.

The mind is like a parachute – except in the direst emergency it's better to keep it firmly closed and sit on it.

Time is on nobody's side.

If nobody was there to see, how do you know that tree in the forest fell?

Cowardice is the better part of discretion.
Still Don't Get It
Posted:Mar 20, 2019 7:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2019 9:40 pm
Some people still don't get it. I thought I was pretty slow on the uptake but oh my gosh! It's one Australian senator in particular we have some issues with. If there's one thing we should have learned from the tragedy, it's to not lump people in together.

Australians, please accept my apologies for my more retarded countrymen.
Posted:Mar 20, 2019 5:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2019 7:13 pm
A hero!
Posted:Mar 20, 2019 4:53 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2019 11:53 pm

Excerpt from NZ herald news article 21/03/2019:

Linwood Mosque shooting hero Abdul Aziz who confronted the gunman and is being commended for saving lives met the delegation and told them how the drama unfolded.

Linwood Mosque Imam Alabi Lateef Zirullah heard a voice outside the mosque at about 1.55pm and saw a man wearing dark military-style clothing and holding a large semi-automatic weapon.

He then saw two bodies lying on the ground.

"When I saw those Muslims shot dead I just told our brothers, 'Go down! Go down! Somebody has just shot our brothers outside the masjid'," Zirullah said.

Kabul-born Aziz ran outside screaming and as the gunman ran back to his car to reportedly swap weapons, Aziz hurled an Eftpos machine at him.

"He got another gun from his car and he started shooting at me," Aziz told the delegation, adding that he ducked behind parked cars, before picking up a gun the shooter had abandoned. He pointed it and squeezed the trigger but it was out of ammunition.

When the gunman tried to free, Aziz hurled the gun at the windscreen "like an arrow" and it shattered the windscreen before he raced off.

The gunman was caught by two quick-thinking policemen soon after on Brougham St.
Tree Planting
Posted:Mar 20, 2019 1:46 am
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2019 1:07 pm

The hot weather has well and truly gone now, the ground is nice and damp and there's no more prospect of it getting seriously dry this season, so it's tree planting time. I delivered some to an ex neighbour who had been asking for them months ago. He seemed amazed I had remembered and was all grateful, to which my response was "Hey, way I'm looking at it you are providing the land for my trees to grow on." He laughed but I was serious.

There are two meanings of the word "mine". One is ownership and the other associative. My cows belong to me. My kids are associated with me. I see my trees as being in the second category. I provide some care and attention when they're small and can't fend for themselves and once I plant them out they are their own selves. These are the native trees I'm speaking of. I also grow timber trees which are owned because one day my grandkids or their grandkids might cut them down and use them. I hope the native trees will never be cut down but since some may live for a thousand years or even two thousand, that's going to be up to future generations. I can only do my bit and hope for the best.
1 comment
D.R.E.S. I get made boss for the day and meet the PM
Posted:Mar 19, 2019 8:53 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2019 9:56 pm

The Disaster Recovery Employment Scheme was a govt funded work scheme to restore fences flattened by a cyclone. I reported for work one morning and the gang supervisor was away, so I was made supervisor for the day. I protested that I only had a blue hat. Supervisors got a green hat and I demanded one. Didn't get it though. I used to be a bit of a smart arse in those days. Used to be, OK? You, in the cheap seats, sit down and shut up! You want to hear this story or what?

So off we went to scope out the job. The cocky must have had an uncle in the council or something cause his fence was fine, he just wanted it moved to cadge a few more square metres from the roadside and thought he'd get it done for nothing. Good on him. No skin off my nose. Told him we needed some extra wire for joins and such and he asked how long? Oh, all day. No, no, what length! Told you I was bit smart arsed.

Then he said we wouldn't get the job done that day. I said to the boys, how about it? We get stuck in and cut this out and we can go home early. You never saw a gang of dopeheads and layabouts work like they did. I should have been in some corporate team building thingmy, would have made my fortune. I was even glad in a way I still had my blue hat. All workers together. Reminds me of when the union guy came round to check up on us, some fat oily bastard from the big smoke, and it was all brother this and brother that and the guy next to me mutterred why the hell doesn't he just say comrade?

So the boss came by and I said we'll be done by 2. Not worth starting another job so we'll be away. No, no, you can't do that. The PM is coming to visit to see where all his money's going. And what do you know, the bastard's got a green D.R.E.S. hat! Brand new! Sod had it all the time and too miserable to give it to me. Told me to rub mine in a cow turd if I wanted it green. And he thought I was a smart arse! I ask ya, how could I meet the PM with cow turd on me hat? Sheesh!

So we finish the job and we're waiting round and wouldn't you know it, the PM's late. Nothing he has to do but give the TV cameras some sound bites, and a couple of ruddy great air force choppers to whisk them all off to the next spot and they still can't get there on time. Eventually the choppers hove into view, old Vietnam era Hueys. Heard them half an hour before we saw them. No wonder America lost the war. How you gonna sneak up on some peasant like that? They'll be down the rabbit hole or out with the RPG before you even get close. They probably had touble getting them started was what made them late. The boys all reckoned the one flying a bit low on one side was the PM's one. He was quite a well upholstered gentleman.

Well,we all get filmed hanging round doing nothing, just to confirm to the right wingers what a bunch of no hopers we were and how all their precious tax dollars were getting wasted. I wished I could have had that green hat after all when I said Hi Mum, make her proud to see her boy doin' good an' all. Selfish bloody boss!

Finally the TV guys get all the inanities they need from the PM and off they go and off we go. Homer boys! Back in time to pick up the kids from school. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, Nurse was working in the same gang, except she wasn't called Nurse then, but Fencer just doesn't have the same cachet does it? Not too many perverts with a fencer fetish! Or maybe there are? Who knows? That same miserable boss didn't want to hire her so she rang the council and asked were they not an equal opportunity employer? Well, that was a brand new term back then and they just about shat themselves when she brought that one up. Fell over themselves to be all PC and up to date and told the boss to sign her up .Served the silly bastard right if you ask me!

So we didn't need the babysitter, but I did slip her a little something for being available. A little cash, you perverts. money! What did you think? Fuck me, there's some dirty minds out there. (Exits stage left, muttering incoherently.)
1 comment
Posted:Mar 19, 2019 6:44 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2019 3:09 pm

A curious thing happened after ww2. The usual ratio of births is 1004 boys to 1000 girls. In the Soviet Union in the aftermath of the war ratio changed to 1008 to 1000. A small change but over such a huge sample it was statistically quite significant. Too significant to be random. Something out there, (God, Gaia, the universe?) realised there was a shortage of males and set about redressing the imbalance.

Another curious discovery confirmed an ancient belief modern science had supposedly totally debunked – previous sexual partners affect the genetic makeup of offspring conceived to subsequent partners. Research in fruit flies has shown tiny but measurable alterations in the genome of such offspring. It's thought the semen from previous partners induces changes in dna in the egg cytoplasm, but not the nuclear dna. So if your kid looks a bit like the wife's ex it might not mean she went back for a bit of times sake. Maybe that's where the fixation on virgin brides came from!
In holes and out holes
Posted:Mar 18, 2019 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2019 8:37 pm

I'm sure you've all heard guys spout this one. They use it to insist that their ass is strictly an out hole.

Well, there are holes that are in/out holes, in, out, in, out, in ,out, as many times as you like. A classic example is the nose.
Posted:Mar 18, 2019 5:24 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2019 6:34 pm

There seems to be a disproportionate number of single gender families around. I was one of three boys but in fact all my cousins born on Mum's side were boys (six) while all my cousins born on Dad's side were girls (twelve). Nurse was one of six girls, no boys much to my father in laws disappointment. His brother who lived on the same farm with him had five boys, no girls, which only rubbed salt into the wound. I think other members of their family had mixed families but I never really knew them.

Surely this is not entirely random? We used to give my father in law shit that going at it like rabbits will produce girls - I think three times a day was what we said was necessary to ensure a girl, while once a week yields boys. I think he secretly quite liked that theory. I know I did – I had only girls! Which I was delighted about by the way. I couldn't be more proud of my kids – kids of 36 and 37 now!
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